Domestic violence, frequently referred to as “domestic abuse” or “intimate partner violence (IPV)”, is characterized by a pattern of behaviors within any relationship used to establish and maintain power and control over a partner. Abuse encompasses physical, sexual, emotional, economic, or psychological actions, as well as threats of such actions, all designed to exert influence over another individual. This includes any behavior intended to frighten, intimidate, terrorize, manipulate, hurt, humiliate, blame, injure, or wound someone. It’s critical to understand that domestic violence is not limited by demographics; it affects individuals of all races, ages, sexual orientations, religions, and genders. It occurs across various relationship types, whether couples are married, cohabitating, or dating. Furthermore, domestic violence transcends socioeconomic status and educational levels, impacting people from all walks of life.
Anyone can be a victim of domestic violence, irrespective of age, race, gender, sexual orientation, faith, or socioeconomic background. It’s a pervasive issue that does not discriminate.
Victims of domestic abuse can extend beyond intimate partners to include children, other relatives, or any member of the household. The impact of domestic violence reverberates throughout the family and living environment.
Domestic abuse typically manifests as a recurring pattern of abusive conduct directed towards an intimate partner within a dating or familial context. In these situations, the abuser seeks to dominate and control the victim through various means.
Domestic abuse is multifaceted, taking mental, physical, economic, or sexual forms. Incidents are rarely isolated occurrences. Instead, they tend to escalate in both frequency and severity over time. In the most tragic instances, domestic abuse can lead to severe physical harm or even death.
Recognizing Domestic Abuse: Are You Being Abused?
Reflect on the following questions, considering both how you are being treated and how you treat your partner. Self-reflection is a crucial first step in recognizing abuse.
Identifying the Red Flags of Domestic Abuse
Does your partner…
- Belittle or mock you in front of friends or family, undermining your self-esteem and social connections?
- Discount your achievements or ambitions, making you feel inadequate and incapable?
- Make you feel incapable of making independent decisions, eroding your autonomy?
- Employ intimidation or threats to force you to comply with their demands, creating a climate of fear?
- Assert that you are worthless or incomplete without them, fostering dependence and isolation?
- Handle you roughly, including grabbing, pushing, pinching, shoving, or hitting you, demonstrating physical aggression?
- Contact you excessively during the night or unexpectedly appear to verify your whereabouts, exhibiting controlling behavior and distrust?
- Use substance abuse (drugs or alcohol) as an excuse for hurtful words or abusive actions, avoiding accountability for their behavior?
- Hold you responsible for their emotions or actions, shifting blame and denying responsibility?
- Pressure you into sexual activities you are not comfortable with or ready for, disregarding your boundaries and consent?
- Make you feel trapped or believe there is “no way out” of the relationship, instilling hopelessness?
- Prevent you from engaging in activities you enjoy, such as spending time with friends or family, isolating you from support systems?
- Attempt to prevent you from leaving after arguments or abandon you in unfamiliar places to “teach you a lesson,” demonstrating punitive and controlling tactics?
Do you…
- Frequently feel afraid or anxious about your partner’s potential reactions or moods, living in a state of constant apprehension?
- Regularly make excuses for your partner’s behavior to others, minimizing or justifying their actions?
- Believe you can change your partner’s abusive behavior by altering your own actions, taking on responsibility for their choices?
- Constantly try to avoid conflict or angering your partner, suppressing your own needs and desires?
- Always prioritize your partner’s wishes over your own, neglecting your own well-being and preferences?
- Remain in the relationship primarily out of fear of what your partner might do if you were to leave, highlighting the coercive control they exert?
If any of these patterns resonate with your relationship, it’s imperative to seek help. Domestic abuse is not likely to cease without intervention. Taking the courageous step to reach out and ask for help is the first stride towards safety and healing.
Always remember…
- NO ONE deserves to be subjected to abuse. Abuse is never justified, and you are not at fault. You are not alone in this experience.
- DON’T be concerned about visa implications if you are in a foreign country. Resources and information regarding visa options are available to support your situation.
- DON’T let language barriers prevent you from seeking help. Assistance is accessible in numerous languages to ensure everyone can access support.
Image: The Power and Control Wheel diagram illustrating various tactics abusers use to control their victims, including coercion, intimidation, emotional abuse, isolation, minimizing, denying, blaming, using children, male privilege, economic abuse and threats.
Physical and sexual assaults, or the threat of them, are the most outwardly visible forms of domestic abuse and violence. These acts often serve as the catalyst for external awareness of the problem. However, the consistent use of other abusive behaviors, particularly when reinforced by even isolated instances of physical violence, constitutes a broader, more insidious system of abuse. While physical assaults might be infrequent, their occurrence creates a climate of fear of future violence, empowering the abuser to control the victim’s life and circumstances.
The Power & Control wheel is an invaluable tool for grasping the overarching patterns of abusive and violent behaviors employed by abusers to establish and maintain dominance over their partners or other vulnerable individuals within the household. Frequently, a violent incident is accompanied by a constellation of these other, less overtly physical, forms of abuse. Though less easily detected, these subtle tactics firmly establish a pattern of intimidation and control within the relationship.
(Source: Developed by Domestic Abuse Intervention Project, Duluth, MN, https://www.theduluthmodel.org/)
Emotional abuse is a systematic attack on a person’s self-worth. It involves constant criticism, belittling abilities, name-calling and other forms of verbal aggression, damaging the partner’s relationship with their children, or preventing them from seeing friends and family, all aimed at eroding their sense of self and support network. You might be in an emotionally abusive relationship if your partner:
- Regularly calls you derogatory names, insults you, or subjects you to relentless criticism, attacking your self-esteem.
- Exhibits a deep lack of trust in you and behaves in a jealous and possessive manner, stifling your independence.
- Actively tries to isolate you from your family and friends, cutting off your external support system.
- Monitors your movements, calls, and social interactions, exerting excessive control over your life.
- Discourages or forbids you from working, limiting your financial independence and self-reliance.
- Controls all finances or refuses to share money, creating economic dependence and vulnerability.
- Uses the withholding of affection as a form of punishment and manipulation, exploiting emotional needs.
- Expects you to seek permission for everyday activities and decisions, treating you like a child rather than an equal partner.
- Threatens to harm you, your children, family, or pets, instilling fear and terror.
- Humiliates you in any manner, whether in private or public, diminishing your dignity and self-respect.
Psychological abuse centers on creating fear through intimidation. This can involve threats of physical harm to oneself, the partner, or children; destruction of pets and property as a display of power; manipulative “mind games” designed to destabilize; or forcibly isolating the victim from friends, family, school, and/or work, aiming to break down their support systems and sense of reality.
Financial or economic abuse is a strategy to render a person financially dependent and trapped. This is achieved by maintaining absolute control over financial resources, denying access to money, and/or preventing education or employment, effectively stripping the victim of their economic autonomy and options.
Physical abuse involves intentionally causing physical harm or attempting to harm a partner. This can include hitting, kicking, burning, grabbing, pinching, shoving, slapping, hair-pulling, biting, denying essential medical care, forcing alcohol and/or drug use, or any other use of physical force to inflict pain or injury. You may be in a physically abusive relationship if your partner:
- Damages property when angry (e.g., throwing objects, punching walls, kicking doors), using destruction as a form of intimidation.
- Pushes, slaps, bites, kicks, or chokes you, engaging in direct physical violence.
- Abandons you in dangerous or unfamiliar places, demonstrating a disregard for your safety and well-being.
- Intentionally scares you by driving recklessly, using dangerous actions to instill fear.
- Uses weapons to threaten or harm you, escalating the level of danger and intimidation.
- Forces you to leave your home, controlling your physical space and security.
- Traps you in your home or prevents you from leaving, exercising coercive control over your freedom of movement.
- Prevents you from calling the police or seeking necessary medical attention, isolating you from help and resources.
- Hurts your children, extending the abuse to other family members.
- Uses physical force in sexual situations, blurring the lines between consensual sex and assault.
Sexual abuse involves compelling a partner to participate in any sexual act without their voluntary consent. You may be in a sexually abusive relationship if your partner:
- Accuses you of infidelity or is excessively jealous of your outside relationships, displaying possessiveness and distrust.
- Demands that you dress or present yourself in a sexualized way that makes you uncomfortable, objectifying you.
- Insults you with sexual remarks or calls you demeaning sexual names, using sexual language to degrade and humiliate.
- Has ever coerced or manipulated you into having sex or performing sexual acts against your will, violating your sexual autonomy.
- Holds you down or physically restrains you during sex, removing your agency and consent.
- Demands sex even when you are sick, exhausted, or after physically abusing you, demonstrating a lack of empathy and control.
- Hurts you with weapons or objects during sexual activity, engaging in sexual violence and sadism.
- Involves other people in sexual activities with you without your genuine consent and comfort, violating your boundaries and trust.
- Ignores your feelings and preferences regarding sex, prioritizing their desires over your well-being and consent.
Stalking is characterized by a pattern of behavior lacking legitimate purpose and intended to harass, alarm, or terrorize the victim. Common stalking tactics include repeated phone calls, unwanted letters or gifts, surveillance at work, home, and other frequented locations. Stalking is not static; it typically escalates in intensity and invasiveness over time.
Resources and Support for Survivors
- Remember, no one deserves to be abused. The abuse is not your fault. You are not alone. Help is available, and healing is possible.
- Contact the Critical Incident Stress Management Unit (CISMU) if you are concerned about experiencing any form of abuse or fear for your safety or your children’s safety. They can provide confidential support and guidance.
- If English is not your primary language, you can request support in a language you are more comfortable speaking when contacting CISMU. Language should not be a barrier to accessing help.
- Explore Support Organizations to identify and connect with resources tailored to your needs, both within the US and internationally. A wide range of organizations are dedicated to assisting survivors of domestic violence.
- Learn how to protect your digital privacy. Digital safety is crucial in abusive situations, and protecting your online presence is an important step.
How Concerned Staff Can Help
If you are concerned about someone experiencing domestic abuse, here’s how you can offer support:
- Listen to and believe the person being abused. Let them know they are not isolated and their experiences are valid. Belief and validation are crucial first steps in support.
- Encourage them to seek support through a confidential hotline. Connecting with professionals is essential for accessing expert help and resources.
- Express your concern, offer your support, and provide referrals to available resources within your organization or community. Practical support and information are invaluable.
- If you suspect a colleague may be in an abusive relationship but have not been directly approached, consult with your Organization’s Counselling or Ombudsman’s Office for guidance on how to proceed discreetly and effectively.
Note: It’s important to remember that survivors often attempt to leave abusive relationships multiple times before they are able to leave permanently. Patience and ongoing support are crucial.
For Abusive Partners: Recognizing and Changing Abusive Behavior
- If you recognize that you are mistreating your partner, resources within your community can assist you in ending the cycle of abuse. The National Domestic Violence Hotline offers numerous resources and support for individuals seeking to change their abusive behaviors. Although based in the US, the advice and information is broadly applicable.
- Understand that domestic abuse is not only a violation of the United Nations code of conduct, but it can also lead to criminal prosecution under the laws applicable in your duty station. There are serious legal and professional consequences for abusive behavior.
