Do you find yourself constantly questioning your perceptions because your partner frequently contradicts your reality? Are you starting to doubt your own sanity within your relationship? If these questions resonate with you, it’s possible you are experiencing gaslighting, a term used by mental health professionals to describe a subtle yet insidious form of emotional abuse.
The Origins of “Gaslighting”
The term “gaslighting” originates from the 1938 play Gas Light. The play portrays a manipulative husband who attempts to make his wife believe she is losing her mind. He dims the gaslights in their home and then denies any change when she notices it. This manipulative tactic, denying someone’s reality to control them, became the basis for the term “gaslighting.” It is a powerful form of emotional abuse centered on power and control. By eroding a victim’s trust in their own judgment and perceptions, abusers gain significant control, making it harder for victims to leave abusive situations. Once the victim begins to question their sanity, they become increasingly reliant on the abuser’s distorted version of reality.
Identifying Gaslighting Tactics
Gaslighting is characterized by specific techniques designed to make you doubt yourself and your reality. Recognizing these tactics is the first step to understanding and addressing this form of abuse.
what is gaslighting examples like you're crazy that never happened are you sure you tend to have a bad memory it's all in your head
Common gaslighting phrases include: “You’re crazy – that never happened.” “Are you sure? You tend to have a bad memory.” “It’s all in your head.” These phrases exemplify the dismissive and reality-denying nature of gaslighting.
Common Gaslighting Techniques
Abusive partners employ various techniques to gaslight their victims, gradually eroding their sense of reality and self-worth. These techniques can be subtle and insidious, making them difficult to recognize initially.
Withholding: This technique involves the abuser refusing to listen or pretending not to understand what you are saying. By withholding engagement, they invalidate your feelings and thoughts.
Ex. “I don’t want to hear this again,” or “You’re trying to confuse me.”
Countering: Countering is when an abuser questions your memory of events, even when you remember them clearly and accurately. This tactic makes you doubt your recollection of the past.
Ex. “You’re wrong, you never remember things correctly.”
Blocking/Diverting: This involves changing the subject to avoid addressing your concerns or questioning your thought process to undermine your reasoning.
Ex. “Is that another crazy idea you got from [friend/family member]?” or “You’re imagining things.”
Trivializing: The abuser minimizes your feelings or needs, making them seem unimportant or irrational. This can lead you to believe your emotions are invalid.
Ex. “You’re going to get angry over a little thing like that?” or “You’re too sensitive.”
Forgetting/Denial: Abusers may pretend to forget actual events or deny promises they made. This tactic distorts your perception of agreements and commitments within the relationship.
Ex. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” or “You’re just making stuff up.”
(Adapted from: Source)
Gaslighting often unfolds slowly, with initial actions appearing harmless. However, the repeated pattern of these behaviors leads to confusion, anxiety, isolation, and depression for the victim. Over time, victims of gaslighting may lose their sense of reality and increasingly rely on the abuser’s skewed perception, making escape feel impossible.
Recognizing the Signs of Gaslighting
Identifying the signs of gaslighting is crucial for breaking free from this abusive pattern and beginning to trust yourself again. According to psychoanalyst Dr. Robin Stern, recognizing these signs is the first step to recovery.
- You constantly second-guess yourself: You frequently doubt your decisions and perceptions, even about minor issues.
- You ask yourself, “Am I too sensitive?” multiple times a day: You worry that your reactions are disproportionate or unwarranted.
- You often feel confused and even crazy: The gaslighting tactics create a persistent sense of disorientation and self-doubt about your sanity.
- You’re always apologizing to your partner: You feel the need to apologize even when you are not at fault, to keep the peace or avoid conflict.
- You can’t understand why, with so many apparently good things in your life, you aren’t happier: Despite outward appearances, you feel a deep sense of unease and unhappiness.
- You frequently make excuses for your partner’s behavior to friends and family: You try to justify your partner’s actions to others, hiding the reality of the abuse.
- You find yourself withholding information from friends and family, so you don’t have to explain or make excuses: You isolate yourself to avoid difficult conversations about your relationship.
- You know something is terribly wrong, but you can never quite express what it is, even to yourself: You have an underlying feeling of unease, but struggle to pinpoint the exact problem.
- You start lying in order to avoid the put-downs and reality twists: You resort to dishonesty to protect yourself from the abuser’s manipulative behavior.
- You have trouble making simple decisions: Gaslighting impairs your confidence in your judgment, making even small choices feel overwhelming.
- You have the sense that you used to be a very different person – more confident, more fun-loving, more relaxed: You recognize a decline in your personality and well-being since the gaslighting began.
- You feel hopeless and joyless: The constant manipulation drains your optimism and zest for life.
- You feel as though you can’t do anything right: You internalize the abuser’s criticism and believe you are constantly failing.
- You wonder if you are a “good enough” partner: Gaslighting makes you question your worth and adequacy in the relationship.
Seeking Help is Crucial
If any of these signs resonate with your experience, remember that help is available. You are not alone, and it’s important to reach out for support. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or chat with them online 24/7/365. Trained advocates are ready to listen and provide support, offering a path towards healing and reclaiming your reality.
