Love. It’s a word that’s thrown around easily, especially as Valentine’s Day approaches, but what does it truly mean? Is it merely an emotion, or is there something deeper to it? Many perceive love as a complex concept, and for good reason. It’s an emotion that fuels our actions, an expression of fondness, and fundamentally, a conscious choice we make. We choose to love our partners, children, and friends, even when it might be easier not to. But what drives this choice? Often, it boils down to a deliberate mindset, a decision to embrace love in our interactions.
One word frequently associated with love is “affectionate.” Affectionate describes the outward manifestation of love, characterized by fondness and tenderness. While some individuals naturally express affection more openly, verbalizing the importance of these gestures can be impactful in relationships. Understanding and appreciating different expressions of affection is a crucial aspect of navigating interpersonal connections.
Drawing from decades of marital experience, we’ve learned valuable lessons about love in relationships. No relationship is without its challenges, and ours is no exception. Yet, through years of growth and learning, our appreciation for each other has deepened. We’ve identified five core principles that have strengthened our bond and are universally applicable to both personal and professional relationships:
5 Key Principles of Relational Love
Respect: Observing happy couples reveals a common thread: mutual respect. Conversely, struggling relationships often exhibit disrespect. The tone we adopt, both privately and publicly, is a conscious choice. Choosing respect means consciously deciding against belittling or dismissing another person’s feelings or perspectives. It’s about valuing their inherent worth and treating them accordingly.
Listening: A powerful communication tool is the phrase, “What I hear you saying is…” This simple statement signals active listening and ensures the other person feels heard and understood. The alternative – impulsive, potentially hurtful reactions – can lead to emotional withdrawal. We’ve all been guilty of this misstep, highlighting the importance of mindful communication.
Trust: Trust is the bedrock for meaningful conversations and deep connection. Its absence breeds resentment, bitterness, and eroded respect. Trust is particularly vital in sensitive areas like finances, often a major source of conflict in relationships. Building and maintaining trust is an ongoing process requiring transparency and reliability.
Forgiveness: Holding onto grudges can be detrimental to any relationship. Forgiveness is essential for healing and moving forward. The ability to laugh at ourselves and with each other fosters a healthy dynamic and lightens the inevitable burdens of life. Stephen Covey’s book, The Speed of Trust, offers valuable insights into building and repairing trust in relationships.
Time (Love Language): Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages is a seminal work on communication, emphasizing that individuals express and receive love in different ways: words of affirmation, acts of service, gifts, quality time, and physical touch. Investing time in understanding your own and your partner’s love language cultivates deeper appreciation and strengthens the bond over time. Prioritizing quality time demonstrates value and reinforces connection.
Many people’s understanding of love remains stagnant from their teenage years. However, love is not a static emotion; it evolves and deepens with time and effort. By consistently applying principles like respect, trust, and forgiveness, relationships can not only endure but flourish, becoming richer and more fulfilling over the years.
The instinct to nurture, often seen in the intense affection for a baby or a pet, is a powerful manifestation of love. This protective and tender feeling highlights love’s inherent nurturing quality. The complexities and varied forms of love are further explored in the song “What is Love?” from the musical Tsarina. Inspired by the love story of Nicholas and Alexandra of Imperial Russia, the song delves into how love evolves under pressure and adversity. Their relationship, initially driven by deep affection rather than political expediency, faced immense challenges as they navigated a tumultuous era. Their love story, documented in their personal letters, reveals the evolving presence, power, and purpose of love.
The Presence of Love
For Nicholas and Alexandra, the birth of their son, Alexei, who suffered from hemophilia, dramatically reshaped their understanding of love. What is love took on a profound new dimension as they grappled with the immense responsibility and fear for their child’s well-being. Alexandra’s intense maternal love, coupled with her anxieties, made her vulnerable to external influences, ultimately contributing to the tragic downfall of their family. This illustrates how love, while a source of strength, can also expose vulnerabilities.
Psychologist Kendra Cherry defines love as “a set of emotions and behaviors characterized by intimacy, passion, and commitment.” Intimacy, often associated with physical closeness in marriage, encompasses emotional, mental, and spiritual dimensions as well. These facets of intimacy fuel passion, a powerful emotion that, in healthy relationships, translates into dedication and commitment. This commitment includes elements of care, closeness, protectiveness, attraction, affection, and trust. Love is not monolithic; its intensity fluctuates and transforms over time, encompassing a spectrum of emotions from joy and euphoria to, at times, jealousy and stress.
The Power of Love
A defining characteristic of love is its ability to shift our focus outward, prioritizing another person’s well-being. Love empowers us to willingly sacrifice our own needs for someone else’s, demonstrating its profound strength. It reorients our natural self-centeredness, creating space to genuinely care for and focus on the needs of another.
The Urban Dictionary, a repository of contemporary slang and cultural definitions, playfully defines love as “giving someone the power to destroy you, and trusting them not to.” This highlights the inherent vulnerability and trust at the heart of love. Within any relationship – be it with a spouse, colleague, or friend – trust is paramount for maintaining the vibrant power of love. Conversely, broken trust can fracture marriages, friendships, and even professional partnerships, underscoring its fragility and importance.
Jennifer Rush’s 1984 hit song, “The Power of Love,” eloquently captures this sentiment. The lyrics express a willingness to embrace the often-intimidating power of love, even in the face of fear. The song’s popularity soared further when Huey Lewis and the News covered it for the film Back to the Future, and again with Celine Dion’s rendition. The enduring appeal of this song speaks to the enigmatic and potent nature of love, a force that defies easy explanation.
The Purpose of Love
A cynical yet thought-provoking perspective suggests, “Love is nature’s way of tricking us into reproducing.” While simplistic, it acknowledges love’s role in the continuation of generations. Romantic love, however, is far more nuanced than mere biological imperative. Psychologist Zick Rubin proposes that romantic love comprises three key elements: attachment, caring, and intimacy.
Attachment is the fundamental need to be close to another person, seeking their approval and physical connection. The letters between Nicholas and Alexandra poignantly illustrate this longing for closeness. Caring involves valuing the other person’s happiness and needs as much as your own. This selfless aspect of love is evident not only in romantic relationships but profoundly in parental love, exemplified by a parent’s willingness to donate an organ to save their child’s life – an ultimate act of sacrifice. Finally, intimacy is the willingness to share private thoughts, feelings, and desires. This requires honesty, vulnerability, and trust to fully flourish. Cultivating deeper love necessitates a conscious effort to nurture these elements. Authentic and trustworthy love transforms not only our thoughts but also our actions, prompting introspection, particularly regarding self-love.
Self-Love
Difficulties in expressing love to others often stem from a lack of self-love, a feeling of unworthiness. A society saturated with messages that can erode self-esteem makes it crucial to cultivate self-compassion and recognize one’s own inherent value. Negative emotions like bitterness, hate, and jealousy can be rooted in self-rejection and a victim mentality.
To counter this, it’s essential to shift focus outward and appreciate the incredible complexity and wonder of our own being. Consider the human body: a marvel of biological engineering with its intricate skeletal structure, vital organs, and a mind capable of extraordinary feats. Embracing self-love requires surrendering self-criticism and believing in your own worthiness of love. So, revisiting the initial question, what is love? Perhaps the journey begins with self-love, extending outward to recognize and appreciate the myriad expressions of love in the world around us. Love is indeed, everywhere, waiting to be acknowledged and embraced.
What is Love? by Deborah Johnson
What is Love? It’s a sweet surrender.
Love, it seems to set things right.
Faith that the one sittin’ near you
soon will also see the light.
What is Love? It’s the fuel of emotion.
Love, it’ll jump on a whim.
I will risk almost all that I’m feelin’
on a hope that lies within.
Deep in my heart is a love I desire.
A love that grows through the years and never dies.
There is love in a heart of stone,
and no one wants to be alone.
If we’re true to what we really need,
Love will set us free.
What is love? It’s never far away.
Love, it’s strong when passions fade.
If we look all around we’ll see,
Love is everything we need.
Deep in my heart is a love I desire.
A love that grows through the years and never dies.
Love, Love, Love, Love
What is love? It’s a sweet surrender.
Love, it seems to set things right.
If we look all around we’ll see.
Love is everything we need.
If we look all around we’ll see.
Love is everything we need.
Cultivating gratitude and thankfulness redirects focus away from self-absorption, highlighting and uplifting others. This outward focus is a powerful expression of love in action.
Deborah Johnson
Thought Leader, Keynote Speaker, Author
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