Passive aggression, often referred to as passive-aggressiveness, describes a way someone expresses anger or negativity indirectly. Instead of directly communicating their feelings, they might show their annoyance through inaction, sulking, or a lack of cooperation. This can manifest as intentionally neglecting tasks, being late or absent when expected, or becoming silent and withdrawn, leaving others confused and frustrated.
Most people exhibit passive-aggressive behavior occasionally, sometimes without even being fully aware of it. It often surfaces when we are upset but want to avoid direct conflict. However, this approach is usually an ineffective and counterproductive way of communicating. The person acting passive-aggressively avoids stating their needs or grievances openly, instead suppressing their anger. This leaves the other person in a state of uncertainty, often feeling confused, hurt, and frustrated.
While passive aggression might seem less harmful than overt forms of aggression, it can significantly damage relationships. Trust can erode when dealing with someone passive-aggressive because their true feelings and intentions remain hidden. In romantic relationships, this behavior can lead to feelings of isolation and being unloved. In the workplace, it can sabotage teamwork and foster a toxic and unproductive atmosphere.
Dealing with passive-aggressive behavior, whether in personal relationships or professional settings, can be emotionally draining. It might feel like constantly walking on eggshells, trying to decipher unspoken issues and understand what went wrong.
Learning to cope with passive aggression begins with recognizing its signs and understanding the underlying causes of this negative behavior pattern.
Other Forms of Aggression
The term “passive aggressive” is frequently misused and confused with other forms of aggression. Here’s a clarification of how it differs from covert and overt aggression:
Covert Aggression. Covert aggression is characterized by secretive but active hostility, not passivity. Examples include spreading negative rumors at work or devising schemes to manipulate someone. Secretly vandalizing property or stealing also falls under covert aggression.
- Certain forms of indirect communication, like sarcasm and backhanded compliments, can blur the distinction between passive aggression and covert aggression.
Overt Aggression. Overt aggression involves openly hostile actions, where the aggressor makes no attempt to conceal their behavior. Aggressive acts can range from verbal insults and name-calling to physical bullying.
Passive Aggressive Examples
Passive aggression can manifest in various ways across different areas of life, both personal and professional.
Passive-Aggressive Behavior in a Relationship:
- A partner resorts to the silent treatment instead of open communication.
- They sigh dramatically, mutter under their breath, or act sullen to gain attention without expressing the problem directly.
- They agree to help with a household task, like washing dishes, but perform it so slowly it becomes an inconvenience.
- They use sarcastic remarks such as, “Thanks for the help,” when they perceive a lack of contribution from you in a task or conversation.
Passive-Aggressive Behavior in the Workplace:
- A coworker intentionally withholds crucial information, such as failing to inform you about an upcoming important meeting or event.
- They “forget” to complete assigned tasks, resulting in extra workload for you.
- A supervisor provides vague instructions or minimal feedback, deliberately making your work more challenging.
- They deliver backhanded compliments, for example, “Congratulations on the promotion! I was surprised you got it!”
When you confront someone exhibiting passive-aggressive behavior, you may notice a disconnect between their actions and words. They might respond with phrases like, “Everything’s fine. I’m not angry.” It’s even possible they are not consciously acknowledging their own negative emotions.
If left unaddressed, certain passive-aggressive behaviors can escalate. For instance, occasional silent treatment from a partner could evolve into stonewalling, which involves complete emotional withdrawal and refusal to communicate.
Some individuals who are passive-aggressive may even reverse the situation, portraying themselves as the victim. For example, if you express, “I wish you had told me about the party,” they might retort with, “Give me a break! I just forgot!” This tactic can verge into gaslighting, a form of emotional abuse where manipulation induces self-doubt in the victim.
Why Do People Behave Passive Aggressively?
Passive-aggressive behavior often serves as a coping mechanism. It’s a way for someone to manage situations where they feel anger or resentment but believe they cannot express these feelings directly. Many factors can lead a person to feel the need to conceal their anger and express discontent indirectly.
Fear of Feelings. Some individuals believe they must always maintain a calm, composed demeanor or project constant happiness and contentment. This discomfort with negative emotions is often reinforced by societal expectations. However, suppressed emotions like anger and sadness tend to surface in unintended and unhealthy ways.
Fear of Rejection. Individuals with an insecure attachment style may fear abandonment if they appear “needy” or disagree in relationships. This fear leads them to suppress their needs and desires. However, when these needs remain unmet, resentment builds, manifesting as passive-aggressive behavior.
Low Self-Esteem. People with low self-worth may avoid asserting themselves, feeling “unworthy” or “unimportant.” Passive aggression, however, can provide a sense of power, as it is likely to provoke a reaction from others.
Personality Disorder. Individuals with borderline personality disorder can experience intense anger alongside a fear of abandonment, a combination that can frequently result in passive aggression.
Vulnerable or covert narcissists often struggle with low self-esteem and become defensive when criticized, commonly resorting to passive-aggressive communication.
Some narcissists escalate beyond passive aggression, aiming to belittle, gaslight, or bully others to inflate their own ego. This type of abuse can leave you feeling confused, hurt, and emotionally exhausted. If you are in a relationship with a narcissist, you might be tempted to endure the abuse. However, since narcissists often lack guilt or shame, leaving the relationship might be the healthier option.
How to Deal with Passive-Aggressive People
When interacting with passive-aggressive individuals, understanding their behavioral patterns and underlying motivations is crucial. In some cases, the person might be unaware of their behavior and willing to change once you explain how it affects you.
However, they might also refuse to acknowledge their passive aggression, especially if they hold a position of authority or if the behavior is linked to a personality disorder. In such situations, the most effective strategy is to set healthy boundaries with the person.
Tip 1: Recognize the Signs of Passive Aggressiveness
Passive-aggressiveness can take many forms. The initial step is recognizing the indicators of passive-aggressive behavior and considering the possible triggers.
Look for Patterns and Triggers. Sometimes, the behavior and common triggers are evident. For example, a coworker might sulk whenever you offer constructive feedback. Your partner might “forget” to refill the car’s gas tank every time they are annoyed with you. Once you recognize the patterns and circumstances where passive aggression emerges, you can better prepare to address the issue.
Consider Nonverbal Cues. It can sometimes be challenging to discern if someone is genuinely being passive-aggressive. Could you be misinterpreting your partner’s thoughtful silence as the silent treatment? Is a coworker truly upset, or did they simply forget about a meeting? Pay attention to nonverbal cues and body language. For example, your partner might give you an unusually stiff hug. Or your coworker might clench their jaw, avoid eye contact, or cross their arms defensively, signaling they are upset with you.
Consider Underlying Thoughts and Feelings. They are likely angry about something but avoiding direct confrontation for some reason. They might fear arguments or expressing anger directly. Perhaps they believe you should instinctively understand their needs without being told. Or they might simply lack the skills to communicate their needs effectively. Also, consider the possibility that they are unaware of their behavior and might need specific examples. Reflecting on these possibilities can foster a more empathetic and patient approach.
[Read: Empathy: How to Feel and Respond to the Emotions of Others]
Tip 2: Have a Plan to React in the Moment
The antidote to passive aggression is often open and honest discussion. However, this can be challenging in practice. The other person might become defensive and deny their behavior, use sarcasm to deflect, or genuinely be oblivious to their actions. Regardless of their reaction, you need to manage your own frustration.
Instead of reacting in ways that could escalate the situation, use these steps to develop a plan to maintain composure.
Tune into Your Own Emotions. Reflect on the last time someone’s passive-aggressive behavior bothered you. What are the early signs that your own anger is rising? Do your thoughts start racing? Do you feel physical tension in certain parts of your body? Recognizing and acknowledging your own anger is the first step to managing the situation effectively.
Don’t Follow Their Lead. Consider how you might unintentionally reinforce the other person’s behavior. Do you often mirror their cold silences? When they seem unaware of their actions, do you overreact with angry outbursts? Make a conscious decision to avoid behaviors that will fuel the conflict. Instead, replace aggressive reactions with calmer explanations of your feelings and how you wish to be treated.
Know Ways to Calm Yourself. Develop quick strategies to calm down in stressful moments. The fastest way to relieve stress in the moment is through movement or engaging your senses—sight, sound, taste, smell, touch. This might involve enjoying the aroma of fresh coffee, taking a short walk, chewing gum, or looking at comforting photos of loved ones or pets. Experiment with different sensory experiences to find a quick stress relief technique that works best for you.
Tip 3: Set the Stage for a Discussion
When you are ready to discuss the person’s passive-aggressiveness, consider the message, setting, and timing. Careful planning can increase the chances of a positive outcome.
Be Clear About What You Want to Express. If you feel anxious about initiating the conversation, jotting down your thoughts beforehand can be helpful. Free writing can help you organize your thoughts and concentrate on the core message you want to convey. Ask yourself:
- What specific passive-aggressive behavior did they exhibit?
- Is it possible they were unaware of their actions?
- Could you be misinterpreting the situation, or are you certain they were being passive-aggressive?
- What was your internal reaction? What thoughts or emotions did you experience?
- How did this interaction affect your feelings about the person or the relationship?
Aim for a Face-to-Face Interaction. Communicating indirectly, such as through text messages, can worsen misunderstandings. However, you might use a text or email to signal the need for a discussion and to arrange a suitable time and place.
Minimize Distractions. Avoid starting the conversation when your partner is preoccupied with getting children ready for school, or when your coworker is rushing to meet a deadline. Choose a time when both of you can give the conversation your undivided attention.
Prioritize Privacy. This is especially important in a workplace setting. You don’t want a discussion with a coworker to become public for the rest of the team. If possible, request a moment of their time in a private room or after work hours.
Tip 4: Engage in Open Conversation
When the timing is right for a discussion, initiating it can feel a bit awkward. Here are some tips to start the conversation smoothly.
Lead with Soft Curiosity. Starting with an accusatory statement like, “You’re being so irritable,” can sound presumptuous and trigger defensiveness. Instead, try:
- “You seem quieter than usual. If you want to talk about anything, I’m here to listen.” This statement is both inviting and non-demanding, effective whether addressing a romantic partner, family member, or coworker.
- “I’ve noticed you’ve been slow to respond to my texts lately. I’m wondering if you’re feeling upset about something I did.” If you are fairly certain they are being passive-aggressive, this approach acknowledges their potential anger while still approaching with curiosity.
Be Direct and Explain How Their Behavior Makes You Feel. This is particularly appropriate when the passive-aggressive behavior is obvious or a recurring pattern. When using this approach, express yourself using “I” and “me” statements. “I feel confused and unsure how to respond when you ignore me. What can we do to address this issue?” You want to reassure them that they can safely express their feelings and that conflicts can be resolved together.
Anticipate Denial. The other person might deny being angry or offer excuses to avoid a deeper conversation. In this case, you can step back and try again if the behavior persists. Don’t be discouraged. By reaching out, you are signaling that you recognize the anger they are trying to conceal.
During the Conversation
Once the other person agrees to discuss what is bothering them, there are ways to ensure the conversation is as productive as possible.
Be an Active Listener. Instead of focusing on your counter-arguments, genuinely listen to what is troubling them. Aim to be empathetic and understand their perspective, even if their way of expressing anger has upset you. You might discover feelings of helplessness or inadequacy underlying their behavior.
Be Respectful. Avoid accusatory remarks or labeling them, such as calling them “passive aggressive.” This can increase defensiveness. Be mindful of body language cues, such as eye-rolling, which can worsen the situation and escalate their anger. Again, it’s important to recognize when your own agitation is rising and take steps to calm yourself.
Know When to De-escalate. If your coworker or partner responds sarcastically to something you say, consider reverting to the strategy you used to initiate the conversation—acknowledge their anger and ask a sincere, open-ended question. This could be as simple as asking for clarification about what’s upsetting them. If it feels like you’ve reached an impasse, you might conclude the conversation with, “Perhaps we can revisit this later?”
Tip 5: Seek Change in the Relationship
When possible, conclude the conversation with a suggestion for compromise or improved communication. Understand that the person may not change their habits immediately, but acknowledge and encourage any genuine attempts at change.
Brainstorm Solutions Together. If the person uses passive-aggressive communication because they believe you are too volatile to confront directly, brainstorm solutions together. You could mutually agree on ground rules, such as no yelling, condescending comments, or distractions during discussions.
Use Humor. Humor can help provide perspective, create intimacy, and reduce conflict and tension. Gentle self-deprecating humor can be disarming, and referencing an inside joke can strengthen your bond. However, avoid teasing the person about their passive-aggressive behavior.
Know Your Limits. It is not your responsibility to “fix” someone’s passive-aggressive behavior, even if it is your partner or closest friend. If their behavior remains unchanged or they refuse to acknowledge their issues, you may need to establish communication boundaries. Clearly define how you expect to be treated and the consequences if those boundaries are crossed.
Recognize Abuse and Bullying. Although less obvious than overt aggression, both covert and passive aggression can contribute to manipulation and emotional abuse. If you are in a relationship with someone who consistently uses these tactics, consider safe ways to end the relationship. Read: How to Get Out of an Abusive Relationship.
Tip 6: Cope with Passive Aggression at Work
Dealing with a passive-aggressive boss or supervisor can be particularly challenging, especially if you fear retaliation or career damage for speaking up. However, strategies exist to cope, even if direct confrontation feels impossible.
Minimize Interactions. If feasible without compromising your work responsibilities, minimize direct interaction. When collaboration or email communication is necessary, maintain an emotionally neutral approach to their passive aggression. Focus on professionalism and avoid internalizing their anger.
Nurture Workplace Connections. Shift your focus to building supportive relationships with helpful coworkers. Seek their assistance on tasks, offer your help in return, and consistently express appreciation.
Ask Clarifying Questions About Tasks. Seeking specific details can help circumvent a passive-aggressive supervisor’s attempts to withhold information or exclude you.
Document Interactions. Keep objective records of your manager’s communications and save any passive-aggressive emails or voice messages. This documentation can be invaluable when dealing with vague instructions or other bullying tactics. It can also serve as evidence if you decide to escalate the issue to HR or your supervisor’s superior.
Dealing with a passive-aggressive person can be emotionally taxing. Remember to maintain perspective: you cannot change another person’s behavior for them. Whether they choose to change or not, prioritize your own well-being and peace of mind by building resilience. Invest in self-care and cultivate healthier connections—relationships characterized by open and direct dialogue.
If You’re the One Being Passive Aggressive
If you recognize passive-aggressiveness in your own behavior, you can learn to replace it with healthier communication methods that strengthen your relationships at home, work, or school, instead of damaging them. Read: How to Stop Being Passive Aggressive.
Last updated or reviewed on October 1, 2024
