Ella Tabb’s journey offers a compelling look into the complexities of living with both autism and ADHD, diagnosed in adulthood. Her narrative vividly illustrates not just the challenges of late diagnosis, but also the inherent paradoxes that arise when these two neurodevelopmental conditions coexist. This exploration into what a paradox truly means is crucial for understanding the “autiHD” experience and paving the way for better support and self-acceptance.
Prior to receiving diagnoses of autism in her mid-thirties and ADHD in her forties, Ella navigated life with significant mental health struggles and cripplingly low self-esteem. This stemmed from a lifetime of feeling out of sync, facing constant rejection, bullying, and judgment. It wasn’t until her eldest child’s autism diagnosis at age eight that she began to recognize similar traits within herself. Years later, her youngest child’s ADHD diagnosis further illuminated her own experiences. Ella realized that just as autistic traits can be masked, so too can ADHD characteristics, especially in individuals who have spent years trying to conform and “fix” themselves. Her journey shifted from fighting against her neurodivergence to understanding and accommodating it.
Seeking resources for individuals with both autism and ADHD, often referred to as “autiHD,” Ella encountered a significant information gap. Historically, dual diagnoses were not recognized until 2013, highlighting the urgent need for more research, information, and tailored support for this population.
The Internal Paradox: When Conditions Clash
Ella’s experience poignantly reveals the paradoxical nature of having autism and ADHD. Prior to her ADHD diagnosis, strategies intended to support her autistic needs sometimes backfired, creating confusion and frustration. This is where the core paradox of “autiHD” becomes apparent: solutions for one condition can exacerbate challenges related to the other.
The Routine Paradox: Structure vs. Spontaneity
For instance, routines are often recommended to reduce anxiety and enhance regulation for autistic individuals. Ella found initial success in establishing routines, enjoying the novelty and structure they provided. However, this rigidity soon clashed with her ADHD needs. The very structure designed to calm her autistic brain began to induce restlessness and a craving for novelty, driven by her dopamine-seeking ADHD. This created a frustrating cycle: a push and pull between the need for predictability and the craving for stimulation. Living within a rigid structure led to boredom, sadness, and restlessness, while pursuing novelty could trigger overstimulation. This exemplifies a central paradox: the desire for a calming routine is undermined by the ADHD need for spontaneity and excitement.
The Self-Care Paradox: Interest vs. Distraction
Self-care, particularly engaging in special interests, is frequently advocated for autistic individuals as a way to promote calm and well-being. Ella recognized the benefits of dedicating time to her special interests, experiencing a sense of calm and grounding when she managed to do so. However, the ADHD component presented another paradox. Committing to and engaging in these interests became a challenge due to distractibility. The very activities meant to provide solace were often derailed by the ADHD tendency to be drawn to other stimuli, leading to frustration and an inability to consistently benefit from this self-care strategy. This highlights the paradox of having intense interests (common in autism) while struggling with the sustained focus required to engage with them (due to ADHD).
The Social Paradox: Connection vs. Overwhelm
Socialization for individuals with “autiHD” presents perhaps the most complex paradox. Autism often involves challenges in social communication and heightened sensitivity to social stimulation, leading to social exhaustion and overwhelm. Conversely, ADHD can drive a craving for social interaction and the stimulation it provides. Ella describes this internal conflict vividly. She experiences difficulties with social communication and is easily overstimulated by social contact, yet simultaneously craves the very stimulation that social situations offer. This leads to a pattern of overbooking herself socially, drawn in by the excitement of invitations, coupled with difficulty saying “no” – a common trait among late-diagnosed neurodivergent adults who have developed people-pleasing tendencies as a coping mechanism. Once in social settings, her ADHD tendencies manifest as talking excessively, interrupting, and oversharing. For her autistic self, acutely aware of social nuances and anxieties, this behavior is “intolerable,” even as it’s happening. The aftermath is often characterized by intense overthinking, self-criticism, and anxiety about potential rejection. This social dynamic embodies a profound paradox: a simultaneous desire for connection and a vulnerability to social overwhelm, leading to a cycle of approach and avoidance.
Strategies for Navigating Paradoxical Needs
Ella emphasizes that she doesn’t have all the answers, but shares strategies she has experimented with to navigate the paradoxical nature of “autiHD” and cultivate a calmer, happier life.
Mini-Routines: Embracing Flexible Structure
To address the routine paradox, Ella shifted from rigid daily schedules to “mini-routines” focused on specific times like mornings or bedtimes. This approach provides a looser structure, allowing for the spontaneity needed to satisfy her ADHD while still offering a degree of predictability beneficial for her autism. This demonstrates a strategy of compromise, acknowledging and accommodating both needs within a flexible framework.
Dopamine-Seeking Alternatives: Finding Stimulation at Home
Recognizing the ADHD drive for dopamine, Ella proactively identified alternative ways to satisfy this need without constant external stimulation. Instead of always seeking excitement outside the home, she incorporated stimulating activities that could be enjoyed at home, such as video games, online socializing, and listening to loud music. This strategy involves understanding the underlying need (dopamine seeking) and finding alternative, manageable ways to meet it, thereby reducing the conflict between the need for stimulation and the desire for calm.
Mindful Commitments and Self-Acceptance: Saying “No” and Embracing Authenticity
Ella highlights the importance of learning to resist impulsive “yes” responses to social invitations and commitments. This involves pausing, reflecting, and consciously choosing responses rather than being swept away by the moment’s excitement. Crucially, she emphasizes the role of self-acceptance and unmasking. By learning to love and accept her authentic self, including her “loud and chatty” tendencies, she reduces the internal pressure to conform and people-please. This shift towards self-acceptance is key to mitigating the social paradox, allowing her to engage more authentically and reduce post-social anxiety.
Medication as a Pause Point: Enhancing Focus and Intentionality
Ella shares her positive experience with ADHD medication, describing it as profoundly helpful. Medication provides a “pause point,” enabling her to respond to situations with greater intentionality rather than impulsivity. With increased focus and calm, she can more effectively implement the strategies she has developed. Interestingly, she notes that medication allows her autistic traits to become more apparent, as the “overly sociable, excitable ADHD” traits become less dominant. This shift allows for a more considered approach to new challenges, moving from “eternally optimistic” impulsivity to a more cautious and thoughtful engagement.
Conclusion: Embracing the Paradox
Ella’s journey underscores that understanding “What Is A Paradox” is not just an abstract concept but a lived reality for individuals with “autiHD.” Her story illuminates the intricate and often contradictory inner world of someone navigating the combined landscape of autism and ADHD. Receiving both diagnoses has been transformative, leading to a calmer and happier life. Her experiences emphasize the critical need for greater understanding, research, and accommodation for individuals with “autiHD,” recognizing and addressing the unique set of paradoxical challenges they face. By acknowledging and embracing these paradoxes, we can move towards creating more inclusive and supportive environments for neurodivergent individuals to thrive.
