A couple of years ago, I shared an Instagram post about the term “pillow princess.” The post included what I believed were generally understood and common sentiments, phrases like “pillow princesses are hot” and “pillow princesses deserve pleasure,” all set against a frilly pink backdrop. My followers, largely composed of lesbians, queer individuals, and trans folks, are typically responsive and engaged, often reacting to stories and posts with thoughtful comments and questions.
Therefore, it was quite unexpected to see not just a few, but many comments criticizing pillow princesses as lazy, worthless lovers who were neither attractive nor deserving of pleasure. I was taken aback. Yet, upon reflection, perhaps I shouldn’t have been so surprised.
I identify as a pillow princess. I am a lesbian who primarily receives sexual touch rather than giving it, at least in the conventional or reciprocal sense. My strengths lie in exploration, communication, and timing—emphasizing the atmosphere and context of sex over the mechanics. Although I know pillow princesses (and stone femmes, as we are sometimes called) are active and desirable partners in sexual encounters, this perspective isn’t universally shared.
As I read through the comments flooding my Instagram, memories resurfaced. I recalled a close friend mocking a new partner, saying with a sharp laugh, “She just lays there.” At the time, I felt both embarrassed and indignant. Why shame someone you desire to be with? When this friend and I later became lovers, their past laughter lingered in my mind, causing me to second-guess our sexual interactions and feel pressured to perform. Ultimately, our relationship didn’t last. Even now, there’s a brief moment of hesitation after telling someone new that I’m a pillow princess, wondering about their potential reaction.
Clearly, open dialogue about non-normative sexual preferences remains challenging, even within lesbian, queer, and trans communities. Those on the opposite end of the pillow princess spectrum—specifically stone butches, stone tops, and touch-me-nots—face similar confusion and stigma. Given these widespread misunderstandings, let’s break down the spectrum of stone sexualities, exploring their meanings and how to embrace your identity.
Understanding the Pillow Princess in Lesbian and Queer Culture
The term “pillow princess” generally refers to someone, often within the lesbian or sapphic community, who prefers to receive sexual pleasure rather than give it during sexual encounters. This term is not simply about laziness or passivity, but rather a preference for a particular dynamic in sexual relationships. It’s about embracing a role where receiving pleasure is the focus, and where their enjoyment and reactions are central to the sexual experience.
Often, the concept of a pillow princess is misunderstood and sometimes stigmatized, even within LGBTQ+ circles. The negative connotations often paint pillow princesses as selfish or unengaged partners. However, this is a harmful misrepresentation. Many pillow princesses are deeply engaged and active participants in sex, contributing through enthusiasm, direction, verbal communication, and creating an erotic atmosphere. Their engagement simply manifests in ways other than performing specific sexual acts on their partner.
Debunking Myths and Embracing Diverse Sexual Expressions
The criticism leveled against pillow princesses often stems from a narrow view of sex and pleasure, one that prioritizes reciprocation in a specific way. In many heterosexual norms, and sometimes within lesbian contexts influenced by these norms, there’s an expectation of equal giving and receiving of specific types of sexual acts. However, lesbian and queer sexualities are incredibly diverse, and pleasure can be experienced and expressed in countless ways.
To label a pillow princess as “lazy” is to fundamentally misunderstand the dynamics of desire and pleasure. For many pillow princesses, their pleasure is heightened by the act of receiving, and their engagement is expressed through how they respond and experience that pleasure. This can be incredibly validating and exciting for partners who enjoy giving pleasure and being the focus of their partner’s desire. It’s about different roles and preferences within a sexual dynamic, not a lack of participation.
Stone Butches, Stone Tops, and Touch-Me-Nots: The Other Side of the Spectrum
It’s important to understand that sexual preference is a spectrum. Just as there are pillow princesses who primarily enjoy receiving, there are also individuals who primarily enjoy giving pleasure and may be less interested in receiving specific types of touch in return. These preferences are often described by terms like “stone top,” “stone butch,” and “touch-me-not.”
These terms generally describe individuals who prefer to give sexual touch—particularly genital touch—but not receive it. While these terms are often associated with expressions of masculine lesbian identity, they are not exclusively limited to butch lesbians. Understanding these terms alongside “pillow princess” helps to paint a fuller picture of the diverse landscape of lesbian and queer sexualities and preferences. All of these preferences are valid expressions of desire and deserve respect and understanding.
Fostering Open Conversations and Acceptance
The reactions to my Instagram post highlighted a crucial point: we need more open and honest conversations about diverse sexual preferences, even within LGBTQ+ communities. Stigma and misunderstanding thrive in silence and assumptions. By openly discussing terms like “pillow princess,” “stone butch,” and others, we can begin to dismantle harmful stereotypes and create space for acceptance and validation.
Embracing the diversity of sexual expression within lesbian, queer, and trans communities requires us to move beyond rigid ideas of what sex “should” be. It’s about recognizing and celebrating the multitude of ways people experience pleasure, desire, and intimacy. Whether someone identifies as a pillow princess, a stone top, or neither, their preferences are valid and deserve to be respected and understood. Open communication and a willingness to learn about and appreciate different desires are key to fostering healthier and more inclusive sexual cultures.
