What is Domestic Violence? Understanding Abuse, Signs, and Help

Domestic violence, also referred to as “domestic abuse” or “intimate partner violence (IPV),” is a pattern of abusive behaviors used by one partner to gain and maintain power and control over another in an intimate relationship. It is crucial to understand that domestic violence is not just about physical harm; it encompasses a range of tactics aimed at controlling and subjugating another person. This abuse can manifest in physical, sexual, emotional, economic, or psychological actions, as well as threats of such actions. These behaviors are designed to frighten, intimidate, terrorize, manipulate, hurt, humiliate, blame, injure, or wound the victim.

Domestic violence is a pervasive issue that transcends demographics. It affects individuals of all races, ages, sexual orientations, religions, and genders. It occurs across various relationship types, including marriages, cohabiting partnerships, and dating relationships. Furthermore, domestic violence does not discriminate based on socioeconomic background or education level; it impacts people from all walks of life.

Anyone can experience domestic violence, irrespective of their age, race, gender, sexual orientation, faith, or socioeconomic status.

Victims of domestic violence can also include children, other relatives, or any other member residing within the household. The core dynamic of domestic violence lies in the abuser’s systematic exertion of power and control over the victim within the context of a dating or family relationship.

Domestic violence is rarely an isolated incident. It typically evolves into a pattern of abusive conduct that escalates in both frequency and severity over time. In the most tragic cases, domestic violence can lead to severe physical injury or even death. Recognizing the signs and understanding the different forms of domestic violence are the first steps toward seeking help and breaking the cycle of abuse.

Recognizing Domestic Violence: Are You Being Abused?

Reflecting on your relationship and how you and your partner treat each other is essential. Consider the following questions to assess whether you might be experiencing domestic violence.

Questions to Consider if You Suspect Abuse

Does your partner:

Frequently embarrass or belittle you in front of others, including friends and family?
Dismiss your achievements and make you feel inadequate?
Undermine your confidence and make you believe you are incapable of making sound decisions?
Use intimidation tactics or threats to force you to comply with their demands?
Tell you that you are worthless or that you are nothing without them?
Treat you roughly, such as grabbing, pushing, pinching, shoving, or hitting you?
Excessively check up on you by calling multiple times a night or showing up unexpectedly to ensure you are where you said you would be?
Use drugs or alcohol as an excuse for saying hurtful things or for their abusive behavior?
Shift blame onto you for their feelings or actions, making you responsible for their abuse?
Pressure you into sexual activities you are not comfortable with or ready for?
Make you feel trapped in the relationship, as if there is “no way out”?
Prevent you from engaging in activities you enjoy, such as spending time with friends or family, or pursuing hobbies?
Try to prevent you from leaving during or after a fight, or abandon you somewhere unfamiliar or unsafe to “teach you a lesson”?

Ask yourself:

Do you often feel afraid or anxious about your partner’s potential reactions or behavior?
Do you consistently make excuses for your partner’s behavior to other people, trying to minimize or justify their actions?
Do you believe that you can change your partner’s behavior if you simply change something about yourself?
Do you constantly try to avoid conflict or angering your partner, walking on eggshells around them?
Do you always prioritize your partner’s desires and needs over your own, neglecting your own wants and feelings?
Do you stay in the relationship primarily out of fear of what your partner might do if you were to leave?

If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, it is crucial to acknowledge that you might be in an abusive relationship. Seeking help is a courageous and necessary step. Remember, abuse is never acceptable, and support is available.

Always remember:

No one deserves to be abused. Abuse is never the victim’s fault. You are not alone in this situation.
Do not let concerns about your visa status prevent you from seeking help. There are resources and visa options available for individuals in your situation.
Language barriers should not deter you from seeking assistance. Help is available in multiple languages.

The Power and Control Wheel: Understanding the Dynamics of Abuse

Physical and sexual assaults are often the most overt and easily recognized forms of domestic violence, frequently prompting external intervention. However, domestic violence is often characterized by a broader pattern of abusive behaviors, reinforced by the threat or occurrence of physical violence, which collectively establish a system of control. Even if physical assaults are infrequent, they create a climate of fear and intimidation, enabling the abuser to dominate the victim’s life and circumstances.

The Power & Control wheel is a valuable tool for visualizing and understanding the comprehensive pattern of abusive tactics employed to establish and maintain control over a partner or household member. Often, incidents of physical violence are accompanied by a range of other less visible forms of abuse. These subtler tactics, while less readily identifiable, are critical in establishing a pervasive atmosphere of intimidation and control within the relationship.

(Source: Developed by Domestic Abuse Intervention Project, Duluth, MN, https://www.theduluthmodel.org/)

Types of Domestic Violence: Recognizing Different Forms of Abuse

Domestic violence is not limited to physical harm. It encompasses various forms of abuse, each designed to exert power and control over the victim.

Emotional Abuse: This form of abuse targets a person’s self-worth and emotional well-being. It involves tactics like constant criticism, belittling abilities, name-calling, verbal abuse, undermining relationships with children, or isolating a partner from friends and family. You might be experiencing emotional abuse if your partner:

Regularly calls you names, insults you, or subjects you to relentless criticism.
Exhibits distrust, jealousy, and possessiveness.
Actively tries to isolate you from your family and friends, limiting your support network.
Monitors your whereabouts, phone calls, and social interactions.
Discourages or forbids you from working or pursuing your career.
Controls finances or withholds access to money, creating economic dependence.
Uses withholding affection as a form of punishment and control.
Expects you to seek permission for everyday decisions and activities.
Threatens to harm you, your children, family members, or pets as a way to intimidate you.
Humiliates you publicly or privately, eroding your self-esteem.

Psychological Abuse: Psychological abuse centers on creating fear and mental distress through intimidation, threats of physical harm (to oneself, the partner, or children), destruction of property or pets, manipulative “mind games,” or forced isolation from support systems like friends, family, school, or work.

Economic or Financial Abuse: This type of abuse aims to make a person financially dependent on the abuser, thereby limiting their autonomy and freedom. It involves maintaining absolute control over financial resources, restricting access to money, and preventing the victim from pursuing education or employment opportunities.

Physical Abuse: Physical abuse involves intentionally causing physical harm or attempting to inflict injury. This includes actions like hitting, kicking, burning, grabbing, pinching, shoving, slapping, hair-pulling, biting, denying necessary medical care, coercing alcohol or drug use, or any other use of physical force. You may be in a physically abusive relationship if your partner:

Damages property in anger, such as throwing objects, punching walls, or kicking doors.
Physically assaults you by pushing, slapping, biting, kicking, or choking you.
Abandons you in dangerous or unfamiliar places, showing disregard for your safety.
Intentionally scares you by driving recklessly or dangerously.
Uses weapons to threaten or harm you, creating an environment of fear.
Forces you to leave your home against your will.
Traps you in your home or prevents you from leaving, restricting your freedom of movement.
Prevents you from contacting the police or seeking medical attention when you are injured.
Hurts or threatens to hurt your children, using them as leverage.
Uses physical force or violence in sexual situations, disregarding your consent and safety.

Sexual Abuse: Sexual abuse involves coercing or forcing a partner to participate in any sexual act without their consent. This can include various forms of sexual coercion and violence. You might be experiencing sexual abuse if your partner:

Accuses you of infidelity or displays excessive jealousy regarding your relationships outside the partnership.
Insists on you dressing in a sexually provocative manner that makes you uncomfortable.
Insults you using sexual language or calls you demeaning sexual names.
Has ever forced, manipulated, or coerced you into having sex or performing sexual acts against your will.
Physically restrains you during sex, disregarding your boundaries and consent.
Demands sex even when you are sick, exhausted, or after physically abusing you, showing a lack of empathy and respect.
Inflicts pain or injury with weapons or objects during sexual activity.
Involves other individuals in sexual activities with you without your consent or against your wishes.
Disregards your feelings and desires regarding sexual intimacy, prioritizing their own needs over your well-being.

Stalking: Stalking is characterized by a pattern of unwanted and repeated behavior that serves no legitimate purpose and is intended to harass, alarm, or terrorize the victim. Common stalking behaviors include persistent unwanted phone calls, unsolicited letters or gifts, surveillance at work, home, or other places frequented by the victim. Stalking is a serious form of abuse that often escalates over time.

Resources and Support for Survivors

Remember, you are not alone, and the abuse is never your fault. Seeking help is a sign of strength.
Contact the Critical Incident Stress Management Unit (CISMU) if you are concerned about experiencing any form of abuse or fear for your safety or your children’s safety.
Language assistance is available. When contacting CISMU, you can request support in a language you are comfortable speaking.
Explore Support Organizations: Refer to Support Organizations for a list of resources and organizations that can provide assistance, both in the US and internationally.
Protect Your Digital Privacy: Learn how to enhance your online safety and security by reading about protecting your digital privacy.

How to Help Someone Experiencing Domestic Violence

If you are concerned about a friend, colleague, or loved one who may be experiencing domestic violence, here’s how you can offer support:

Listen and Believe: When someone confides in you about abuse, listen without judgment and believe their experience. Let them know they are not alone.
Encourage Professional Help: Encourage them to seek support from a confidential hotline or professional specializing in domestic violence. This connects them with expert guidance and resources.
Express Concern and Offer Support: Show your care and support. Offer referrals to available resources and let them know you are there for them.
Consult Organizational Resources: If you suspect a colleague is being abused but haven’t been directly approached, consult your Organization’s Counselling or Ombudsman’s Office for guidance on how to help.

Note: It’s important to remember that survivors often attempt to leave abusive relationships multiple times before successfully doing so. Patience and ongoing support are crucial.

For Individuals Who Abuse: Seeking Help to Change

Recognize and Acknowledge Your Behavior: If you recognize that you are mistreating your partner, it’s crucial to acknowledge your behavior and take responsibility for it.
Seek Professional Help: Resources are available to help you end abusive behavior. The National Domestic Violence Hotline offers resources and guidance for individuals seeking to change their abusive patterns. While this is a US-based hotline, the advice and information are valuable regardless of location.
Understand the Consequences: Domestic violence is not only a violation of ethical conduct but also a crime. You may face criminal prosecution under applicable laws in your location.

Domestic violence is a serious issue with devastating consequences. Understanding what it is, recognizing its signs, and knowing where to seek help are vital steps in addressing and preventing abuse. If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence, remember that help is available, and change is possible.