The terms polyamory, polygamy, and ethical non-monogamy often get mixed up. It’s a common source of confusion online and in everyday conversations. To clear things up, this article will fully explain what each term means and why they are so frequently confused, focusing specifically on What Is Polyamory and its nuances.
Polyamory vs. Polygamy: Love vs. Marriage
Let’s break down the words themselves. “Polygamy” comes from “poly” (many) and “gamy” (marriage), while “polyamory” combines “poly” (many) with “amory” (love). This simple etymological distinction highlights the core difference: polygamy is about multiple marriages, whereas polyamory is about multiple loves.
Polygamy is legally restricted in most parts of the world. Where it is legal, it’s often tied to religious or traditional contexts. Think of plural marriage in Mormonism or the traditional Islamic practice allowing men to marry up to four women. While polygamy can technically involve multiple spouses of any gender, it most commonly involves one man married to multiple women. Often, these wives do not have reciprocal rights to marry multiple partners themselves. Within polygamy, marrying multiple women is called polygyny (many + woman), and marrying multiple men is polyandry (many + men).
Polyamory, in contrast, is generally understood as an egalitarian approach. It’s a relationship style where individuals can have multiple romantic partners with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved. There are no gender-based restrictions, and people are free to explore their sexuality openly. This is why practices like the “One Penis/Vagina Policy” are heavily criticized in polyamorous communities as they contradict the principles of equality and freedom. While loving multiple people is legal, polyamorous relationships are not legally recognized in most jurisdictions. There’s currently no legal framework to formalize romantic commitments with more than one person.
The confusion between polygamy and polyamory arises partly because the words sound similar. Another reason is the way we use “monogamy” (one + marriage). We use “monogamy” to describe relationships where two people agree to be exclusively loving, whether they are married or not. Technically, if a couple isn’t married, “monoamory” (one + love) would be more accurate, but using that term would likely cause even more confusion. Language is shaped by common usage, and in relationship contexts, we generally speak of monogamy versus polyamory, not monogamy versus polygamy or monoamory versus polyamory.
Polyamory and Ethical Non-Monogamy: Understanding the Umbrella
What is polyamory in the broader landscape of relationships? Polyamory is a specific type of ethical non-monogamy. This means all polyamorous relationships are ethical non-monogamous, but not all ethical non-monogamy is polyamory.
Polyamory is specifically defined by having multiple loving relationships. Ethical non-monogamy (ENM), on the other hand, is a broader term encompassing any relationship structure where individuals have multiple consensual romantic, sexual, and/or intimate connections.
The “ethical” in ethical non-monogamy is crucial. It distinguishes these relationship styles from cheating or infidelity, where partners are dishonest and non-consensual. ENM, sometimes also called consensual non-monogamy (CNM), is ethical because everyone involved is aware of and consents to the arrangement. While both terms are used, some prefer CNM to emphasize the crucial aspect of consent. Poly.Land offers an insightful article explaining their preference for CNM.
Within polyamory (all forms of which are ENM/CNM), we find various structures:
- Hierarchical Polyamory: This structure prioritizes a “primary” relationship, often a couple, above other “secondary” relationships. Rules might be implemented to maintain this hierarchy. Examples include veto power (where primaries can end a secondary relationship), or agreements about time allocation, sexual activities with secondary partners, or protocols regarding pregnancies within secondary relationships.
- Non-Hierarchical Polyamory: This model emphasizes equality among all partners. Everyone is considered an individual with equal standing, without a central “couple” being prioritized.
- Polyfidelity: This is a closed polyamorous arrangement where three or more people are exclusively committed to each other, agreeing not to seek additional partners. It mirrors monogamy’s exclusivity but involves more than two people.
- Solo Polyamory: Individuals practicing solo polyamory prioritize their independence and do not seek to form couple-centric relationships or follow the traditional “relationship escalator” of dating, cohabitation, marriage, and children. They have multiple loving relationships while maintaining a strong sense of self and often identify as “single.” This form is ideal for those who highly value autonomy.
Beyond polyamory, other forms of ENM/CNM exist that are not considered polyamory:
- Swingers: Swingers are typically in committed romantic relationships and engage in casual, recreational sex with other couples or singles. This often involves partner swapping or group sex scenarios like threesomes or foursomes.
- Monogamish: Monogamish relationships are primarily monogamous but allow for occasional casual sexual encounters outside the primary partnership. Unlike swinging, these outside connections are infrequent exceptions, such as “hall passes” for casual sex.
- Open Relationships: In open relationships, partners in a committed relationship are allowed to date others. Commonly, this implies romantic monogamy within the primary pair but sexual non-monogamy. However, some, like author Kathy Labriola, use “open relationships” to encompass multiple romantic connections as well.
- Relationship Anarchy: Relationship anarchy (RA) is more a philosophy than a rigid structure. Andie Nordgren’s instructive manifesto provides a comprehensive overview. RA的核心思想是，不应将浪漫关系天生地置于性关系或柏拉图关系之上，每个个体联系都应根据具体情况具体对待，人们应根据最适合每对伴侣的方式定制他们的联系，而不是墨守成规。社会对关系应该如何运作的期望。
Understanding what is polyamory requires recognizing its place within the larger world of ethical non-monogamy. It’s about love, consent, and creating relationship structures that authentically fit the individuals involved. How do you identify your own relationship styles and preferences? Exploring these different models can offer valuable insights into the diverse ways we connect and build meaningful relationships.
