In Judaism, the process of grieving is thoughtfully structured to support individuals through loss, acknowledging both the profound sorrow and the eventual return to life. While the expression of grief is openly embraced and even encouraged, Jewish tradition provides a framework to gently guide the bereaved back to daily living. Central to this initial stage of mourning is Shiva. This period, rich in tradition and meaning, is designed to help mourners navigate the immediate aftermath of loss and begin their journey toward healing. But What Is Shiva exactly?
Shiva, a Hebrew word signifying “seven,” marks a seven-day period of intense mourning observed by the immediate family of the deceased. This practice is not merely a prolonged expression of sadness; it is a deeply rooted ritual with historical origins and specific customs intended to provide comfort and structure during a disorienting time. Jewish tradition understands that grief extends far beyond these initial seven days, and Shiva is the first step in a larger mourning process, offering crucial support in the immediate aftermath of bereavement.
The Origins and Historical Roots of Shiva
The practice of Shiva is ancient, with its roots tracing back to the earliest texts of Judaism. According to the Talmud, in Sanhedrin 108b, the origins of Shiva predate even the Great Flood, described in the story of Noah in Genesis. This foundational text points to Genesis 7:10 as the earliest example of Shiva observance: “And it came to pass, after the seven days, that the waters of the Flood were upon the earth.” The Rabbis of the Talmud interpret these seven days as a period of mourning for Methuselah, revered as the longest-lived person in history.
Further scriptural evidence is found in Genesis 50:10, which explicitly states, “And he [Joseph] mourned for his father [Jacob] for seven days.” These biblical references underscore the deep historical significance of Shiva as a practice integral to Jewish mourning from ancient times. Understanding these origins helps to appreciate the enduring relevance and psychological wisdom embedded within the traditions of Shiva.
When Does Shiva Begin and End?
Shiva commences immediately following the burial of the deceased. This timing is crucial as it acknowledges the immediate shock and grief experienced after the loss and funeral proceedings. The period of Shiva extends for a full seven days, concluding shortly after the morning service (Shacharit) on the seventh day. This structured timeframe provides a defined period for mourning and allows for a gradual transition back to routine.
While historically observed for the full week, it’s important to note that modern interpretations and individual choices can influence the duration of Shiva. Some Jewish families may opt for a shorter Shiva period, reflecting contemporary needs and circumstances. Ultimately, the decision regarding the length and specific customs of Shiva rests with the mourning family, allowing for personal adaptation within the traditional framework.
It’s also important to understand how Jewish holidays and Shabbat (the Sabbath) interact with the Shiva period. Certain major holidays – Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur, Sukkot, Passover, and Shavuot – will cause Shiva to conclude early if they begin during the mourning period, provided that some time for Shiva has already been observed. In contrast, Shiva is paused, not concluded, for Shabbat. Observance resumes after Shabbat ends, ensuring the full seven-day period is appropriately marked, while respecting the sanctity of holy days.
The Location and Observance of Shiva
Traditionally, Shiva is observed in the home of the deceased. This practice offers a sense of continuity and allows mourners to be surrounded by familiar surroundings and memories of their loved one. However, recognizing that this may not always be feasible, Jewish custom allows for Shiva to be observed in the home of an immediate family member or even a close friend. The paramount consideration is that the family is together during this initial period of mourning, providing mutual support and comfort.
Shiva is traditionally observed for specific close relatives: parents, siblings, children, or a spouse. This focuses the intense mourning period on the closest family members most directly impacted by the loss.
Customs and Practices of Shiva: Creating a Space for Mourning
Several unique customs characterize the observance of Shiva, each carrying symbolic weight and contributing to the mourning process.
Ritual Hand Washing: Preparing to Enter the Mourner’s Space
A significant ritual that marks the entry into a house of Shiva is the washing of hands. Tradition dictates that before mourners and visitors enter the home, they ritually wash their hands using a pitcher of water and a basin placed outside the front door. This practice is imbued with multiple layers of meaning:
- Practical Hygiene: Historically, when burials were handled by families, hand washing served a practical purpose of preventing illness before returning home.
- Symbolic Cleansing of Guilt: In ancient times, if death occurred under mysterious circumstances, this act symbolized the community’s affirmation of innocence, washing away any symbolic “blood guilt.”
- Spiritual Purification: Later interpretations associate hand washing with cleansing from negative spiritual influences or “demons” believed to be present at cemeteries.
- Ritual Purity: Hand washing is also understood as a way to cleanse oneself from the ritual impurity associated with death and the cemetery, in accordance with Jewish purity laws.
While not universally practiced by all Jewish people today, this hand-washing ritual remains a meaningful tradition for many, marking a transition into the sacred space of mourning.
The Shiva Candle: A Light of Remembrance
Upon entering the house, a family member typically lights a Shiva candle. Often provided by the funeral home, this candle is meant to burn continuously for the entire seven days of Shiva. The origins of the Shiva candle custom are debated, with some scholars tracing it back to the 13th century, while others believe it emerged from Italian Kabbalists in the 17th century. Regardless of its precise origin, the Shiva candle serves as a powerful symbol, representing both the soul of the deceased and the Shechinah, the divine presence of God. This symbolism is often linked to Proverbs 20:27: “The light of Adonai is the soul of man,” emphasizing the enduring spiritual connection and remembrance.
Physical Alterations in the House of Mourning: Symbolic Expressions of Grief
Two prominent customs involve physical changes within the house of mourning, further distinguishing this period from ordinary life and facilitating the mourning process:
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Low Stools or Boxes: Instead of chairs, or alongside them, it is customary to have low stools or boxes for immediate family members to sit upon during Shiva. This practice is so central that it is likely the origin of the phrase “sitting Shiva.” While the exact historical origin is uncertain, several interpretations exist:
- Biblical Precedent: Scholars point to Job 2:13, where Job’s comforters “sat down with him upon the ground…for they saw that his grief was very great.” Similarly, II Samuel 13:31 describes King David tearing his garments and laying on the ground in grief.
- Symbolic Connection to the Earth: Sitting closer to the ground is seen by some as a symbolic gesture of closeness to the earth and, by extension, to those who have passed.
- Distinction from Everyday Life: Regardless of its precise origin, sitting on low stools has become a widely accepted Jewish custom, visually and physically setting apart this week of mourning from the routines of daily life.
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Covering Mirrors: Another common practice is covering all mirrors in the house of mourning. While not a strict halachic (Jewish legal) requirement, the widespread adoption of this custom speaks to its profound human sensitivity. During Shiva, mourners typically remain at home and refrain from activities such as shaving or wearing makeup, essentially setting aside concerns about personal appearance. Covering mirrors reinforces this by removing the visual prompt for self-image and implicitly communicates that external appearances are inconsequential during this time of grief. This custom alleviates any potential self-consciousness or pressure on mourners to maintain their usual appearance.
While these customs are not mandated in all branches of Judaism, such as Reform Judaism, many Reform Jews still choose to incorporate these practices into their personal observance, recognizing their symbolic value and contribution to the mourning process.
Condolence Visits: Nichum Aveilim – Comforting the Mourner
Offering comfort to mourners, known as nichum aveilim, is a fundamental Jewish value and an integral part of Shiva. Jewish tradition emphasizes the importance of visiting the house of mourning to provide support and solace.
The timing of condolence calls is significant. Before the burial, the intensity of grief and the practicalities of funeral arrangements generally make it unsuitable for visitors. Therefore, condolence visits appropriately begin after the interment, during the Shiva week.
Jewish scholars trace the concept of condolence back to divine origins. The Talmud (Sotah 14a) teaches that comforting mourners was originally an act of God, citing Genesis 25:11: “After the death of Abraham, God brought blessing to Isaac his son.” Just as God comforted Isaac, we are commanded to offer comfort to those who grieve. Job 2:13 is also referenced as an early instance of condolence, with Job’s friends coming to sit with him in his grief.
What to Expect During a Shiva Condolence Call
Specific customs and etiquette are associated with Shiva visits. Traditionally, it is customary not to knock or ring the doorbell upon arrival, but simply to enter the house quietly, to avoid disturbing the mourners. While this custom is not universally followed today, it remains thoughtful to try the door before ringing the bell.
Upon entering, a family member or friend often greets visitors and guides them to the room where the mourners are gathered. It is customary to wait for the mourner to initiate conversation. When acknowledged, a simple expression of sympathy, such as “I’m sorry,” a gentle touch, or a hug, can be profoundly meaningful.
Shiva is a time for remembering and celebrating the life of the deceased. Condolence calls provide an opportunity to listen to the mourner’s memories and stories they wish to share. Conversations may also extend to other topics initiated by the mourner, potentially offering a brief respite from grief. Shiva visits are typically brief, lasting around 30 minutes, with the primary focus being on offering support, listening, and responding to the mourner’s needs.
It is not customary to bring gifts or flowers to a Shiva house, with the exception of food. The emphasis is on presence and support rather than material offerings. If desired, a donation to the deceased’s favorite charity or synagogue in their memory is a thoughtful gesture.
The Meal of Condolence: S’udat Havraah
Food plays a symbolic role in Shiva, particularly at the beginning of the mourning period. The s’udat havraah, Hebrew for “meal of condolence,” is the first meal served to mourners upon returning from the cemetery. This meal, traditionally provided by friends and community members, is intended to nourish the mourners and help them begin to re-engage with life.
The origins of the s’udat havraah are found in the Talmud, which directs that this initial meal should be provided by friends. This act of communal care underscores the support network surrounding the mourners and facilitates their gradual return to routine.
Traditional foods served at the s’udat havraah often include lentils, hard-boiled eggs, and bread – all foods carrying symbolic associations with life and mourning within Judaism. Often, the meal is dairy if the family observes kosher dietary laws.
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Eggs: Eggs are a potent symbol of life in Judaism. At the joyous Passover Seder, eggs are dipped in salt water, acknowledging that life contains both joy and sorrow. At the s’udat havraah, hard-boiled eggs symbolize the affirmation of hope even in the face of death.
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Bread: Bread is considered the “staff of life” in Jewish tradition and many cultures. At a time of mourning, it represents sustenance and the continuation of life.
While the primary purpose is nourishment, the s’udat havraah is not intended as a social gathering. It is a mitzvah (a sacred obligation) focused on supporting the mourners. While alcoholic beverages like wine are permitted and even encouraged in moderation, based on interpretations of Proverbs 31:6–7, they are not meant to be used to avoid grief but rather to offer comfort and solace.
Throughout Shiva, it is considered an act of kindness for friends and community members to provide food to the house of mourning, relieving the family of everyday burdens and allowing them to focus on mourning and healing.
Religious Services During Shiva: The Shiva Minyan and Kaddish
A significant aspect of Shiva observance is the daily religious service, known as a Shiva minyan, typically held in the late afternoon or evening at the house of mourning. This brief service allows mourners to recite the Kaddish, the Mourner’s Kaddish, a prayer recited in memory of the deceased. The minyan also provides a communal setting for sharing memories of the departed. Often, mourners and visitors gather for a meal following the service, further fostering community and support.
Shiva and Shabbat: A Pause for Rest
Jewish law prohibits observing Shiva on Shabbat, the Sabbath. Therefore, it is customary for mourners not to receive visitors during Shabbat, from sundown on Friday until sundown on Saturday. Shabbat offers a day of spiritual respite within the mourning period.
Staying Connected from a Distance: Offering Comfort Remotely
When physical presence during Shiva is not possible, expressing condolences through a card or note is appropriate and comforting. For those with a close relationship to the deceased, a phone call is often welcomed by the mourners. Additionally, making a donation to the deceased’s favorite charity or synagogue in their memory remains a thoughtful way to offer support from afar.
Marking the End of Shiva: Re-entry into the World
To signify the conclusion of Shiva, a meaningful Jewish custom involves taking a walk around the block. This walk symbolizes the mourner’s gradual re-entry into the outside world and the resumption of daily life. Friends and family often accompany mourners on this walk, offering continued support and companionship as they take this first step beyond the intense mourning period of Shiva.
Shiva, therefore, is more than just a period of mourning; it is a carefully constructed and deeply meaningful ritual that provides a framework for navigating grief, fostering community support, and guiding mourners towards healing and a renewed engagement with life.
