Sympathy notes are sent during one of life’s most challenging moments – when someone we care about experiences loss. Finding the right words of condolence can be difficult in person, and it often feels even more challenging to express those sentiments in writing. If you’re struggling with what to write in a sympathy card, know that you’re not alone.
Before diving into specific advice, remember this crucial point: done is better than perfect. Sending a sympathy note, even if it doesn’t feel perfectly worded, is always better than sending nothing at all. Don’t let the pressure of perfection prevent you from reaching out. A heartfelt, albeit imperfect, sympathy note offers more comfort than silence.
Here are guidelines to help you craft a meaningful sympathy note:
1. Opt for a Smaller Card Size
When facing the already daunting task of deciding what to write on a sympathy card, don’t add to the pressure. Choosing a smaller card can feel less overwhelming. Less blank space staring back at you can make the task seem more manageable and encourage you to start writing.
2. Sympathy Notes Validate Grief, They Don’t Erase Pain
It’s vital to understand the purpose of a sympathy note. It’s not meant to magically alleviate the recipient’s pain. Instead, it serves as a tangible reminder that they are surrounded by people who care. Your role as the writer is to convey your care and support, not to attempt to diminish their grief. No words in a sympathy card can truly lessen their pain, but your message can strengthen their feeling of being seen and supported during this dark time.
Grieving individuals aren’t looking for someone to “fix” their situation. They need to be seen in their grief, accepted as they are, in the midst of their pain. Your sympathy note is an act of witnessing their experience.
3. Avoid Placing the Burden Back on Them
Steer clear of phrases like, “If there’s anything I can do, let me know.”
While well-intentioned, this sentiment isn’t truly helpful. It subtly translates to: “I’m willing to help, but you need to initiate contact and tell me exactly what you need.”
This common phrase, often used even on social media, puts the onus on the grieving person. Imagine someone announcing the loss of a pet online and receiving multiple comments echoing, “Let me know if you need anything!” It becomes a generic response that lacks genuine support.
When someone is grieving, their mental bandwidth is significantly reduced. Asking them to identify their needs, reach out for help, and coordinate assistance adds to their burden. Grief is stressful, and it’s more supportive to reduce expectations on the bereaved. Those offering support, who are not currently grieving themselves, need to take more initiative.
Instead, offer specific help: “I’m going to call you on Tuesday to check in” or “I’m dropping off a meal on your porch this Saturday around 4 pm. Reheating instructions will be on top. I’ll text you when it’s there, and I won’t ring the doorbell.”
Taking initiative and handling the execution demonstrates genuine support. For those you’re not close to, a sincere message of condolence without the open-ended offer is often more appropriate and avoids placing any further burden.
4. Refrain from Saying “They’re in a Better Place” or Similar Phrases
Avoid clichés like “They’re better off now,” “They’re happy now,” or even “They’re in a better place.”
Unless you possess irrefutable proof, these statements can be unhelpful and even hurtful. Even if the recipient has expressed such sentiments, it’s best not to echo them in your sympathy card. The reality is, you don’t know if they are “better off.” There might be circumstances unknown to you. Furthermore, these phrases often tie into personal religious beliefs, which may not align with the recipient’s.
Consider the example of a jail chaplain counseling a grieving incarcerated individual. The person had lost a loved one and adhered to a religious tradition where actions in life determined afterlife fate. A condolence card stating the deceased was “in a better place” clashed sharply with their belief that the loved one might be suffering. Such a well-meaning sentiment inadvertently caused significant distress.
Another issue is that these statements often fail to comfort the person left behind. The deceased is still gone. Whether they are “better off” or not doesn’t change the griever’s present pain. The recipient of your sympathy note is likely not feeling “better off” or “happy now.” They are grieving, which is a deeply difficult state to be in.
In hospice care, a young cancer patient’s sibling remarked after her death, “She’s in a better place now.” The other sibling retorted, “She absolutely did not want to die this young or from cancer. She said it herself. She’s not in a better place according to her!”
Sympathy notes are for the living, for the griever and their needs, not the deceased. Focusing solely on the deceased’s supposed state deflects from the crucial task of acknowledging and validating the griever’s pain and experience of loss. Remember, sympathy notes are for grievers, not for the deceased.
5. Be Cautious with “I Understand”
Exercise caution when saying “I understand” or “I know how you feel,” especially if you haven’t experienced a similar loss. Consider this example from a note written to a friend who lost her father:
“While I can’t understand what it’s like to lose a parent or speak to this type of loss, I can understand what it’s like to be loved by a parent and how hard this must be for you given how much your Dad loved and completely adored you. I remember in high school how he’d pick us up after track practice and he’d always kiss you on your cheek, give you a hug, take your backpack from you, and ask you how your day was when we’d get in the car. Your Dad listened to every little detail about our lives and I felt so lucky to have gotten to experience this kind of love and genuine interest from him. I remember us telling him about all the latest high school gossip and I think we both believed he was completely invested in whatever drama was happening. Looking back, I now know it was just pure love. Your Dad loved you so much that all the excess spilled over and went to your friends.”
The writer acknowledged she couldn’t understand the specific loss of a father, but instead focused on the father’s love and positive impact, drawing on shared memories. She validated the friend’s grief by focusing on the life and love experienced, without claiming to fully comprehend the pain of the loss itself. Avoid saying “I understand” when you truly don’t, and instead focus on empathetic connection.
6. Share a Memory of the Deceased, If Possible
One of the most comforting things you can write in a sympathy card is a cherished memory of the person who has passed away. This shifts the focus from death to celebrating their life. Recipients often find solace in hearing how their loved one positively impacted others, or in learning stories they may not have known before. Sharing a specific, positive memory adds a personal touch and can be deeply meaningful.
7. Highlight Their Positive Impact
When writing to someone grieving the loss of someone you never met personally, sharing a memory isn’t possible. In these situations, focus on the positive qualities you see in your friend or acquaintance that likely stemmed from the deceased, or on the deceased’s broader impact. Here’s an example:
“Dear Friend,
I am so sorry to hear about the passing of your Dad. While I never had the pleasure of meeting him, I feel I’ve come to know a part of him through you. Your Dad clearly played a significant role in shaping you into the wonderful person you are today, a person I value deeply as one of my closest friends. I am grateful to your Dad for bringing such an amazing person into the world—you. I send you my love and acknowledge your grief.”
For less close relationships, instead of focusing on personal impact, you could speak to the deceased’s impact on their community or profession. Focus on the positive ripple effects of their life.
8. For Shadow Losses, Validate Their Specific Grief
A Shadow Loss is a loss in life, rather than of life. These can include divorce, retirement, financial hardship, the loss of a dream, or a serious medical diagnosis. These events trigger grief just as the death of a person does. The brain processes grief similarly regardless of the type of loss.
When writing a sympathy note for a Shadow Loss, it’s crucial to specifically name the loss. This validates the recipient’s grief and shows you fully acknowledge their experience. Shadow Losses often carry stigma, or are minimized by others with comments like, “Oh, you were diagnosed with lupus? It’s not a big deal, people live full lives with it!”
People often project their own experiences onto those grieving Shadow Losses, dismissing the griever’s feelings. Just because someone else might not grieve a similar Shadow Loss doesn’t invalidate another person’s grief. Your role is to listen, validate, and support, not to impose your own perspective.
Naming the specific loss directly demonstrates that you aren’t avoiding or minimizing it. Addressing uncomfortable topics head-on can be powerful. By naming the Shadow Loss, you remove any sense of shame or invalidation the griever might be feeling.
9. Make the Intangible, Tangible
Grief is invisible – you can’t touch, taste, see, or hear it. Yet, its presence is undeniable, like gravity or wind. It’s an invisible force enveloping the griever. To support someone in grief, aim to balance the invisible with the visible, offering tangible acts of support.
Examples of making the intangible tangible:
- Provide something physical: In a time of invisible grief, offer something the griever can physically hold or experience. Drop off a meal, send a sympathy card through the mail, deliver flowers, or visit in person. Social media comments and emails, while appreciated, can feel less personal. Tangible acts require human effort and resonate more deeply.
- Be the eyes that see their grief: Be the person who acknowledges and sees their grief, without asking them to hide it. Many in society tend to look away from grief. Be the safe person the griever can be “messy” with, without feeling judged.
- Be the ears that hear their grief: Be the person who calls simply to listen. Be the voice that validates their experience.
Consider how your support can be made tangible for the griever. What visible actions can you take to offer comfort and support during their invisible pain?
10. Take the Time to Send a Sympathy Card
Sometimes, the simple act of sending a sympathy card reveals our own internal chaos and stress. It’s easy to avoid sending one because it highlights how overwhelmed and frazzled we feel. We might subconsciously avoid dealing with uncomfortable feelings about our own lives.
The internal monologue might go something like this:
Where are the stamps?
Need to stop at the post office.
How much are stamps now??
WHERE ARE THE ENVELOPES.
I thought I had an extra sympathy card in my office.
In that box of stuff under the printer.
I’ll just stop and buy a card after work.
Oh wait, who has a birthday coming up? I can buy some extra cards then too.
Ok, got the card. I’ll mail it tomorrow.
Now, what to write.
::Finishes. Tucks it behind the sun visor in the car, forgets to mail it::
Most sympathy notes are written with good intentions. However, if you’re taking the time to write one, be mindful of the difference between what you’re saying and what you truly mean to convey. If you genuinely want to support the bereaved, offer specific help and commit to it. Avoid clichés about the deceased’s afterlife. Focus on the person you are writing to – the living individual navigating their grief.
Loss is universal, yet many struggle with how to act or what to say in a sympathy card and in person. By being present, offering tangible support, and focusing on the griever’s experience, you can craft a sympathy note that is truly meaningful, memorable, and a genuine source of comfort.
Ultimately, remember: a sympathy note written and sent is always better than no note at all.
