Sending a sympathy card is a deeply human act, a way to reach out when words often fail us in person. It’s a unique form of communication, reserved for those moments when someone we care about navigates the profound pain of loss. Finding the right words of condolence can feel challenging, especially when translating heartfelt emotions into written form.
Before delving into specifics, remember this crucial point: sending a sympathy note, even an imperfect one, is far more meaningful than sending nothing at all. Don’t let the quest for perfect wording paralyze you. A timely, sincere message of sympathy, however simple, is a powerful gesture of support. A sent sympathy note is infinitely more comforting than one left unsent.
Here are comprehensive guidelines to help you craft a thoughtful and supportive sympathy note:
1. Opt for a Smaller Sized Card
Facing a blank card can be daunting enough when you’re trying to express condolences. Choosing a smaller card format can alleviate some of this pressure. Less empty space can feel less intimidating to fill, making the task of writing feel more manageable and less overwhelming. It’s about conveying sincerity, not filling a vast canvas of blank space.
2. Sympathy Notes: Validating Grief, Not Erasing Pain
The fundamental purpose of a sympathy note is not to magically alleviate the recipient’s pain. That’s an impossible task. Instead, its true value lies in serving as a tangible reminder of connection and care. Your role as the writer is to convey your care and support, to acknowledge their grief, not to attempt to diminish or “fix” it. Words in a card cannot erase their pain, but they can significantly strengthen the recipient’s feeling of being seen, supported, and understood during a profoundly isolating time.
When someone is grieving, they aren’t seeking to be “fixed”. They long to be seen in their grief, to have their pain acknowledged. They don’t want to be changed or cheered up, but rather to be accepted and validated in their current state of sorrow. Your sympathy note provides that vital validation.
3. Avoid Placing the Burden Back on the Griever
Steer clear of phrases like, “If there’s anything I can do, let me know.”
While this sentiment often stems from kindness, it’s often unintentionally unhelpful. In reality, it translates to: “I’m willing to help, but you need to initiate contact, figure out what you need, and then specifically request my assistance.”
This well-intentioned but ultimately passive offer places an additional burden on the grieving individual. When someone is grappling with loss, the last thing they need is another task added to their already overwhelming mental load. They are unlikely to reach out. Grief is incredibly stressful, and it’s crucial to minimize expectations placed upon those who are grieving. When their world feels shattered, they simply don’t have the mental energy to identify needs, contact potential helpers, and coordinate assistance. This is why such offers often go unfulfilled, and why those of us in a position to support (rather than grieve) need to be proactive and take initiative.
Instead, offer concrete, specific help. Phrases like “I’m going to call you on Tuesday to check in” or “I’d like to drop off a meal on your porch this Saturday around 4pm; it will include reheating instructions and I’ll text you when it’s there, so you don’t have to answer the door” are far more supportive.
To truly support someone grieving, take the initiative and handle the execution yourself.
For acquaintances or less close relationships, a sincere expression of condolence is sufficient, omitting the general “let me know if you need anything” entirely. A simple, heartfelt message is often more impactful than a vague offer of help.
4. Refrain from Saying “They’re Better Off Now,” “They’re Happy Now,” or “They’re in a Better Place.”
Avoid these phrases unless you possess irrefutable proof to back them up for the griever – which is, of course, impossible.
Even if the person you are writing to has voiced such sentiments themselves, it’s still best to avoid echoing them in your sympathy note. The reality is, we don’t know if they are “better off.” There may be complexities or undisclosed details surrounding the situation. Furthermore, these phrases can clash with personal or religious beliefs, potentially causing unintended distress.
Consider the example of a jail chaplain counseling an incarcerated individual grieving the death of a loved one. The grieving person’s religious tradition did not guarantee the deceased a positive afterlife. A sympathy card stating the deceased was “in a better place” caused immense pain and an existential crisis for the griever, as it directly contradicted their deeply held beliefs. The well-meaning sender was likely unaware of the potential negative impact of their words.
Another significant issue with these types of statements is their lack of comfort for the bereaved. The person who died is still deceased, regardless of whether they are supposedly “better off” or not. The recipient of your sympathy note is undoubtedly not “better off,” likely not “happy now,” and certainly not in a “better place.” They are experiencing grief, one of life’s most challenging emotional states.
In hospice work, a patient who died young from cancer serves as another example. A sibling’s statement, “she’s in a better place now,” was met with the retort, “She absolutely did not want to die this young, or from cancer. She said it herself. She’s not in a better place according to her!”
Sympathy notes are fundamentally about the griever and their needs, not about the deceased. Shifting the focus solely to the deceased’s supposed afterlife completely disregards the griever’s present experience – their life after loss. Don’t deflect from the crucial act of acknowledging and witnessing your loved one’s pain by shifting the conversation to the deceased’s soul. Focus on the living, the person receiving the note.
Sympathy notes are for the living who grieve, not for the deceased.
5. Exercise Caution with “I Understand”
Be very cautious when using phrases like “I understand” or “I know how you feel,” especially if you haven’t experienced a similar loss. Empathy is important, but claiming to understand when you haven’t walked in their shoes can minimize their unique experience.
Consider this excerpt from a sympathy note written to a friend who lost her father:
“While I can’t understand what it’s like to lose a parent or speak to this type of loss directly, I can understand what it’s like to be loved by a parent and how hard this must be for you given how much your Dad loved and completely adored you. I remember in high school how he’d pick us up after track practice and he’d always kiss you on your cheek, give you a hug, take your backpack from you, and ask you how your day was when we’d get in the car. Your Dad listened to every little detail about our lives, and I felt so lucky to have gotten to experience this kind of love and genuine interest from him. I remember us telling him about all the latest high school gossip and I think we both believed he was completely invested in whatever drama was happening. Looking back, I now know it was just pure love. Your Dad loved you so much that all the excess spilled over and went to your friends.”
This example demonstrates empathy without falsely claiming understanding. It acknowledges the friend’s pain by focusing on the father’s love and positive impact, sharing specific, heartwarming memories. It speaks to the friend’s experience of love and loss without presuming to know the exact depth of her grief. It validates her feelings without diminishing their uniqueness.
6. Share a Memory of the Deceased, If You Have One
One of the most comforting things you can include in a sympathy note is a cherished memory of the person who has died. This shifts the focus to celebrating their life rather than solely dwelling on their death. Recipients often find solace in hearing how their loved one touched the lives of others, or in discovering stories they may not have known before.
Sharing a memory personalizes your message and highlights the positive impact of the deceased. It reminds the grieving person of the richness of their loved one’s life and the lasting legacy they leave behind. These memories become treasured keepsakes, offering comfort in the midst of sorrow.
7. Focus on Impact
When offering sympathy for the loss of someone you never met, sharing a personal memory isn’t possible. In these situations, shift your focus to the positive qualities the grieving person possesses that likely stemmed from the deceased, or on the overall impact of the deceased on the person you are writing to.
For example:
“Dear Friend,
I am so sorry to hear about the passing of your Dad. While I never had the pleasure of meeting him, I feel like I’ve come to know a part of him through you. Your Dad played a significant role in shaping you into the incredible person you are today, and you are one of the most important people in my life and one of my dearest friends. I am deeply grateful to your Dad for helping to create one of the best people I know – YOU. I love you very much, and I am here to acknowledge your grief.”
For less intimate relationships, instead of focusing on the deceased’s impact on an individual, you can highlight their impact on a wider community. Acknowledging their contributions and positive influence offers a broader perspective of their life’s value.
8. For a Shadow Loss, Validate the Grief and Avoid Imposing Your Own Experiences
A Shadow Loss is a loss within life, rather than of life itself. Common examples include divorce, job loss, retirement, financial hardship like bankruptcy, the loss of a cherished dream (such as canceled events due to a pandemic), or a serious medical diagnosis. These experiences, while not involving death, can trigger profound grief. The brain processes the loss of things – relationships, opportunities, health – in a similar way to the loss of a person or animal. Grief is grief, regardless of the source.
When writing a sympathy note for someone experiencing a Shadow Loss, it’s crucial to specifically name the loss. This signals that you fully acknowledge and validate their pain. Shadow Losses are often accompanied by stigma or minimization. People might say things like, “Oh, you lost your job? Don’t worry, you’ll find another one!” or “You’re getting divorced? Everyone gets divorced these days!” These dismissive responses invalidate the griever’s genuine emotional experience.
Many people reflexively overlay their own thoughts and feelings onto someone else’s Shadow Loss, effectively erasing the griever’s unique experience. Just because they might not grieve a particular Shadow Loss doesn’t negate the validity of another person’s grief. It’s essential to avoid projecting your own experiences onto others. Your role is to listen, validate, and offer support to the person you care about, respecting their individual grieving process.
Specifically naming the loss is also important because it shows you aren’t avoiding the uncomfortable reality. Acknowledging difficult situations directly, rather than skirting around them, demonstrates courage and empathy. Naming the loss means you aren’t shaming it or the person experiencing it.
9. Make the Intangible Tangible: Give Form to the Formless
Grief is an intangible force. You can’t hold it, touch it, taste it, see it, or hear it. It’s invisible yet undeniably present, like gravity, wind, or magnetic fields – forces we know exist but cannot directly perceive.
When supporting someone grieving, reframe your approach. The griever is enveloped by this invisible force of grief. Their life feels imbalanced by this intangible weight. Your role as a supporter is to offer something visible and tangible to help restore balance. You are counteracting the invisible with the visible.
Examples of making the intangible tangible:
- Provide something physical: In a time when everything feels invisible and emotionally chaotic, offer something the griever can physically hold and experience. Drop off a meal, send a handwritten card in the mail, deliver flowers. In-person visits, when appropriate and welcome, can also be incredibly tangible forms of support. Social media comments and emails, while sometimes appreciated, can feel less personal and tangible; they can be perceived as less human and more easily dismissed. Tangible acts require human effort and presence.
- Be the “eyes” for their grief: Society often shies away from grief, preferring to ignore or minimize it. Be the person who sees the griever’s pain, who acknowledges it without judgment or pressure to hide it. Be the safe person with whom the griever feels they don’t have to mask their pain or “keep it together.”
- Be the “ears” that truly listen: Offer a listening presence. Call simply to listen without interruption or offering unsolicited advice. Be the voice that validates their experience, reflecting back their emotions and letting them know they are heard and understood.
Consider how your support can become tangible and concrete for the griever. Brainstorm ways to bring visibility and substance to their invisible emotional burden.
10. Invest the Time
The act of sending a sympathy card can sometimes reveal the chaotic inner workings of our own lives. Sympathy notes can become unintentional mirrors, reflecting back our own stress, exhaustion, and sense of being overwhelmed. It can feel easier to avoid sending one altogether, sidestepping any uncomfortable feelings about ourselves and our own lives that might surface.
The internal monologue might sound something like this:
Where are the stamps?
I need to stop by the post office.
How much do stamps even cost these days??
WHERE are the envelopes?!
I think I might have an extra sympathy card somewhere in my office.
Maybe in that box of stuff under the printer…
Ugh, I’ll just pick up a card after work. And maybe some envelopes.
Oh wait, who has a birthday coming up? I can grab extra cards then too and be efficient.
Okay, got the card. I’ll mail it tomorrow, for sure.
Now, what to write? Ugh, this is hard….
::Finally finishes writing, tucks the card behind the sun visor in the car, and completely forgets to mail it for days, or weeks, or maybe ever::
Most sympathy notes are written with good intentions. However, if you are going to take the time to write one, be mindful of the difference between what you are saying and what you truly mean to convey. These can be two very different things. If you genuinely want to support the bereaved, be specific in your offer and commit to following through. Avoid placing any further burden back on the grieving person. Refrain from speculating about the deceased’s current state or afterlife. Center your message on the person you are writing to – the living individual navigating the aftermath of loss.
Loss is a universal human experience, inevitable for all of us and everyone we know. Yet, many of us struggle with how to respond or what to say when it occurs. By being present, mindful, and committed to offering tangible support, you significantly increase the likelihood of sending a sympathy note that is truly meaningful, memorable, and a genuine source of comfort during a difficult time.
Ultimately, remember this: a sympathy note written and sent, even if imperfect, is always more valuable than silence.
